YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
