forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
