Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
