i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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