I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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