How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
