i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize