well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
