Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
