i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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