a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
