Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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