I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
