Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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