Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think I sprained my soul last night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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