Who did Billy Mays play for?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
