We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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