did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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