I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
