One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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