You just made me feel so damn special
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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