my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
