brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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