so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
