Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
