Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
