I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
