Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
