Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
