ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
