I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
