Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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