I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize