All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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