Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
