All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Even my vagina gasped.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize