So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
