It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
