I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
what is it with giant penises always finding me
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
