oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
