I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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