remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
