The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
