that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
