I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize