I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
