Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize
