The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
