If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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