Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
