I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
