hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize