just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It was like getting head from an anaconda
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
