u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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