i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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