there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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