I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize