I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
