Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
