i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize