a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
