my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm at about main and main street
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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