Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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