Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
