I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This can only be settled by a dance off.
soo... how was my night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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