Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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