I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
